As long as you live, keep learning how to live

Things Always Work Out - 2013 Reflections and Highlights

At the conclusion of a year and the start of a new one, I find myself debating whether I should make any resolutions. I don't see goal setting as an annual event rather as something I am always doing. However, I find a new year as a time for reflection over the last year to determine what I have learned, how I have grown and of course to remember some of the best days. 2013 was definitely one of some big changes and challenges including divorce, living in two states for 6 months, working full time, graduation from grad school, and taking a licensing exam. It was certainly a year I will never forget. Some might look at the events of this year as failure. I gave up on a 10 year marriage involving two children. Despite the fact that my childhood dream of marriage and family was lost temporarily, I still see it as a year where things all worked out. I have always carried an attitude that things pretty much always work out well for me and that perspective has allowed me to face bad days and challenges with optimism.

I thank my parents for that attitude. They told me in so many ways that I was so talented, smart, and hard working that I could be or do anything I wanted to. I wholeheartedly believed them. During the dark days and years of my marriage, I was reminding myself of my capacity regardless of my partner's dissatisfaction with me. I am human and there were aspects of his disapproval that I couldn't always set aside and fortunately those are the things I am discovering again in myself before they were lost completely. This has been a year of intentional emotional healing and rediscovery.

At this turning of the annual digits, I also am looking forward to the predictability and unexpectedness of 2014. My kids will get older, I undoubtedly will have surprises from the ex, I will meet a lot of new people, and I will use my experiences to grow. I started a my first job as a certified nurse midwife this week. I am happy to find a lot of autonomy in this new position and I am excited to be able to finally be the kind of provider I want to be. While in school, I have always felt I have to practice as my preceptor saw was best because I was a guest in their office and caring for their patients. Now I get to take all the great things I learned and be the provider I want to be.  I look forward to getting situated then diving in. In my 20's I had a home business with a website that my nephew and I put countless hours into. It was one of my greatest resources and loved by my clients. While I was in grad school, I contemplated using those skills to develop a patient resource online. I worry that it won't be accessible to all my patients, particularly older women without computer access or skills, and low income families without access. However, technology is an ever growing part of the world and the problem of people lacking computer skills will fade with time. To address the lack of access, I would also have the resources available in the office for patients without access. While dreaming up this idea during school, I was never really sure I would be in a place to make it happen. With my new employment, I am seeing that it may be a possibility. As a nurse, I have found that the best way for patients to be a part of their own health is through teaching them. Giving them knowledge is giving them power. As a CNM, this will continue to be one of my priorities.

First day of 4th grade!

First day of 2nd grade!

Disneyland!

Halloween 2013! Riley said,
"This was the best Halloween I've ever had!"
I also got to make their costumes this year! Hooray for graduation
 and free time again. Aspen was a wizard and Riley
was an elf from Lord of the Rings.

Cesarean

This is quite different than cesarean sections in Vegas
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/m5RIcaK98Yg

Home this week

Today I feel like I am not enough, I try so hard but I still want to be more. I want to have a better memory. I want to be a better critical thinker, a better wife, a better friend, in better shape and in better health, a better student and a better mother. When I go to Utah, my preceptor praises me up and down to everyone. It is really nice that she has so much confidence in me. I look forward to going to Utah next week and shining in her presence. I am really good at doing just one thing. When I'm there, I am a really good CNM student and don't have to be anything else. At home, I feel stretched thin and don't have the time or energy to really excel at anything. Is mediocre at everything I do enough? The week is almost over and I feel like I haven't done enough housework, didn't spend enough time with my kids, hubby, and friends, didn't make it to the gym enough, and certainly didn't get enough homework done.