Just when I'm feeling comfortable, life throws a curve ball

I finally got all the parts and pieces turned in for my grad school application on Tuesday. Nurse Practitioner school here I come. It was only 4 days past deadline, but they still accepted it. No I wasn't dragging my feet, what's 4 days anyway. They didn't seem to care. College is like painting a bedroom. It is so much work but when you are finally done, you realize it was all worth it. Grad school has been in the plan forever but the idea had been buried for so long, it has hit me smack in the face. WTF am I getting myself into? Just as I am getting comfortable with the idea of it, I was sitting in my manager's office Friday and told her the exciting news. Her response, "Are you sure you really want to do that?" Thanks for crushing the dreams I have been trying to get excited about all over again. I decided it was time to go back to school because I've been an L&D nurse for 5 years. I've seen it all right? Nope. Recently I delivered a dead baby by myself without the doctor making it for the joyous occasion and pushed emergency medications down a patient's IV as she was seizing while holding her on her side so the baby inside her might still get some oxygen. I would love to lay out the details but HIPPA prevents that. How the hell am I supposed to process this crap if I am not supposed to talk about it? I am one of those people who can't watch scary movies because I can't separate myself from the characters. That applies to work too, I treat every patient as if it was me in the bed. Sure it makes me a good nurse but when bad things happen, it takes me a long time to get over it.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a ballerina but my parents kept telling me that I was too smart to just dance. When I grew up I still got into the arts- fiber arts. But I am trying to walk away again for intellectual pursuits. I don't think a career as an artist is any less stressful, just different stresses with much less risk. Artists don't usually deal with life and death situations at work. I hate seeing nurses in the news getting scrutinized because it is not an easy job. I want the judges and journalists to run around a busy unit trying to manage the care of several patients at once before they cast judgment, oh yeah and now that the night shift nurses are here to take over, don't forget to write everything down that you did over the last 12 hours so that you can defend yourself if anyone decides to sue you for taking care of them or their loved ones.

I really do love my job. I wouldn't have done it for so long if I didn't. Some days as a nurse suck and I just needed to vent. Now I feel better and can go back with a smile on my face.